Dookie Lovin'

A little over a year ago I had to put my cat to sleep. That phrase has always bothered me and typing it was even more awkward. Dookie was my first pet outside of my parent's home and I had him longer than I've had my husband. His actual name was Tab, but he preferred Dookie. That was definitely the worst day in my life and considering I've lost some loved ones recently that might seem callous, but he didn't just die, I had to make the final decision. Anyway, I have two other cats, and I love them both too, but they just aren't the same as Dookie. I always told my husband he better be glad I couldn't kiss a cat to make my prince, because Dookie was the perfect man for me:) Little Miss Naughty, one of my other cats, is a precious little thing and her role is to be the baby and her sister BoBo, well that one tolerates human contact, but since the death of Dookie has stepped up and "allowed" us to love on her too. Last Summer we (I) added another cat to our brood to bring the total back in balance. Hey, I like the odd numbers. Cookie Dough is an extra special cat, not only do I have another He, but he comes from my Granma's farm. Cookie is now what I would call a tween, he's not a toddler but not quite an adolescent yet. He has grown into such a beautiful cat and I can already tell he will be bigger than his sisters.
Just recently I realized how much I had missed my Dookie and his special Dookie Lovin. I can't explain the difference really, but there is a distinct difference in the relationship he and I shared and the ones I have with Naughty and BoBo. I always said he was my boyfriend kittie. Nothing sexual or weird, just a purposeful affection he gave only to me and no one else. Naughty craves attention and will rub on anyone that will let her. BoBo still only tolerates people and her love is special in the sense that you feel so honored when she actually acknowledges you, but she doesn't really like to be petted and loved on. Then there is Cookie. I have another boyfriend kittie! My husband thinks I'm crazy, but I don't care. I really like having that back in my life. Whatever THAT is! I just know that Cookie gives me special lovin that he doesn't give the kids or my husband and he even managed to find my special sleeping spot. My pillow! Oh, how sweet it is to once again slumper to the sweet, sweet sound of purring.

PS But don't tell my daughter. Cookie is her cat!

We're Having a Baby

Okay, well I'm not having a baby, my brother and his wife are! But it feels like the "we" extends further than just them. My brother and his wife have been married for 8 1/2 years and each has a teenage son from previous marriages. WE thought they would have more children, but as the years passed the didn't and I actually thought my brother had been snipped to ensure no more babies. So when my brother called me at exactly 10:05 pm Christmas Eve and told me I was going to be an aunt, I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say... my exact words "How? By Who?" Who do you think? "You???" Yeah, really that was me, I'm sure I made him feel bad. Then I asked what the boys thought. He said they gave them a present to unwrap and it was a Razorback onsie. He said Zack kept going through the paper looking for season tickets and Garrett finally said, are we getting a kid? What, your pregnant! And the the boys locked themselves in Zack's bedroom to "discuss" the situation.
I think everyone hearing the news is like what? Really? And then we're all soooo excited. Apparently they tried to have a baby for 6 years even doing fertility treatments and had finally accepted God's will for them and quit trying... well I guss they didn't quit trying just quit hoping for a baby. They were both surprised too! I would love to have been there when Holly told my brother! My family is so excited. I'm excited. I told my sister in law to just get ready bc we really do feel like we're all having a baby. I see this baby as so much more than just a baby. It's something positive to focus on, a shift from the loss of my grandmother. It is also a chance, maybe the last, for my brother and I to become close. Maybe we can share this time and learn to become friends. My own kids are super excited, they love babies especially my son. Yesterday, he told Uncle Darren the new baby would be sleeping in his room! My sister in law will be 38 and my brother will turn 39 a few weeks after the birth. I know they are both nervous. We'll all be praying for them. They went to the DR. today for the first ultra-sound and they were both excited. My brother called me and said they saw arms and legs and the heartbeat. I could hear his excitment. It was nice.

Perks & Benefits

Do you ever feel like being a mommy somehow changed your life??? Well, duh, it DOES change your life. Suddenly you have these little creatures that you love more than life itself and almost overnight you morph into a "real" mommy. When it was just myself and my husband, I cooked sometimes, but now I can cook an entire meal with barely any prepration and few groceries in the house. When did I learn to do that? I can still recall the day I realized I could breast feed my son while spoon feeding my daughter her yummy goo and even eat my own lunch. And that very same day I realized my husband needed more than two hands to warm a bottle! True story! I promise.
It seems odd that somehow, I knew my world would forever be changed, but I didn't fully realize how much I would be changed. My best friend recently told me when her husband asked what she wanted for Christmas this year her reply was "a wife". I love that! I told her maybe we could share one. I think mail order brides stille exist, maybe we could go havsies and just not marry the person!! Surely that would work.
For the most part my mommy changes have been positive. I think the one thing I'm not certain I understand, is my tendancy to put my feelings on the back burner. My husband works and therefore he "deserves" time off. Time away from work, away from me and the kids, time doing things he enjoys. But what about me? When is my time off? Am I a horrible person for wanting a break, not just from house work, but from my husband and yes even my adorable little angels? And why do I think if this was a situation in my previous jobs I would be more likely to speak to the "boss" about my feelings? As a stay at home mom, what do I deserve?

Milk & Cookies and Playing Skip-Bo

I haven't posted in a while. My grandma died a month ago this week and I haven't figured what I want to say. My granrdma was the kind of grandma everyone wanted and the perfect picture of trhe stereotypical milk and cookies grandma. I've never heard her say an unkind or off color word and the only time I recall her even raising her voice was to keep my grandpa in line, and believe me that was a job in itself.
It's hard to try and pin-point one story or memory to share about her. I'm grateful that being a stay at home mom these last 3 years allowed my children to really spend time with her. She died 2 hours before her 92 birthday, but she was sooo much younger than that. She got sick in May of this year and was in a hospital bed in her living room after that. A few weeks before she got sick, me and the kids spent time with her. I have great pics of the kids rubbing her feet with lotion, with little man sitting in her lap hand feeding her dry cereal and pics at the kitchen table coloring with the kids. My son in particular loved his great grandma and would ask to go see Linsenmeyer. That was how he addressed her. Her name was long enough without adding great grandma.
Each summer my brother and I spent a week at her farm in Oklahoma and she would play cards with us, her favorite was Skip-bo. I definitely took her for granted when I was younger and was actually always more eager to play with my cousins that lived just down the road. We only saw her a couple of times a year, but they were always special times. Grandma loved animals, and I made it my mission each summer to pet everyone of her barn cats. Many were semi-ferrell, and one summer I managed to talk my grandpa into letting me bring the cats into the utility room. I have a great picture of me piled high with cats on and around me. There are 11 grandkids, 3 girls and I was the oldest girl. From early on that made me special to her. Her nickname from early on until her passing was a german phrase "slaztcha Kätzchen." I never knew what that meant until one day in college I had the esteemed honor of eating out with friends including a really cute german football player. Of course I wanted to impress him with german phrases and then asked him what my grandma was calling me. He looked at me funny and then asked if I was sure that what she was saying. and very politely he told me my grandma was calling me Ornery Kitten!! And I have always remained her very, very ornery kitten.
Even though Grandma had been sick and we all knew it was time, her death was still hard. Her funeral was truly beautiful and the pastor that had only known grandma for a short time, did such an amazing job of capturing the essence of grandma. The pastor quoted from Proverbs 31 10-31. 10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her familyand portions for her servant girls. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.
The verses in Proverbs were so moving to me. Her family truly was her life work. She did so much and never expeced anything in return, she was a servant of God and a servant to her family. It made me think of my life. Of other women and mothers I know. To often we get caught up in the game of power and importance. I want to be my grandma, concerned with taking care of my family and listening to God's plan for me. Being happy with all the blessings I have and not wanting for excess.
We stayed in OK for a week after the funeral to help my mother and when we returned home my daughter said the most beautiful prayer. After praing for the usual, including our deceased cat she asked God to take care of Great Grandma. "Please help her in Heaven. Help her learn to walk and do things in Heaven." I'm sure there was more to it, but the walking is what stuck with me. And it makes me smile to think of my grandmother reborn as a young angel in Heaven learning an entire new life.
Grandmother was such a beautiful person, gone and never forgotten. Only remembered with smiles, laughter and of course tears.

Mount Not So Saint Mommy Errupts

I'm a horrible, horrible super mean mommy. I've been sick for what seems like forever. For the first two weeks it seemed to help me be a better mommy. I was more sensative to their needs and hurts, but now, well I'm out of patience and pretty much hate the world. Today was the worst. I went to the DR yesterday and slept well, I was even able to eat, can't taste yet, but hey it was improvement. I still feel yucky and I'm tired of feeling bad. Enter one really naughty little boy, and oh how naughty he has been today. One naughty corner incident after another. I'm soooo past my breaking point. So, what to do I do. I bansih them to their play room with orders to behave or else. Well, I guess the or else was just too tempting for my son, so he pushed me again. Enter screaming, she is so scarey mommy, so scarey she even spanks the poor boy. I hate myself for that. Screaming is bad enough, but spanking... I really hate it when I resort to that. It is more of a reflection of me and my abilities than anything my children could ever do. Then my daughter requests permission to come out of the play room and sit by me. She wants to give me hugs and kisses to make me feel better. Oh, I'm sooo horrible. Then she goes outside to pick flowers. She brings in a bunch of daisies still attached to their roots and asks me to cut them for her. She goes back outside, only to come back in and ask me to come look at what she did with her flowers. I'm thinking the last thing I really want to do is go outside and I'm thinking what a sweet little girl she is. I go out and she has managed to plant her flowers. It is so cute. Of course they will die not having any roots, but hey, she managed to plant the flowers by herself. Oh, she is such a sweetie pie. Maybe some of her sweetness will rub off on me. I could really use it. And at least it's good to know my children don't hate me and even little man seems to be unfazed by my erruption. I wish I could forget as easily as my children.

Times They are a Changin'

When I last wrote, I was feeling guility over the tiny bit of pleasure I occasionally feel at my husband's expense. Well, that hasn't really changed, but there has been a unique twist. On vacation over the weekend my youngest woke up extra cranky from a nap. Poor thing, he was probably out for the night, but we made him get up and really messed him up. Anyway, he was fairly useless the rest of the evening and I was just doing my best to appease him and ingore the comments from my dad and husband. After all, I'm the mother, I know what's best for my kids! Sorry, back to the point. After dinner little man is in my lap, I'm rocking him and I'm the only thing he wants. He's not being cranky or really whiney, just content in my lap. I look up at my husband watching us and I realize, he's jealous. OK, jealous is probably not the correct word, but envious of the fact that little man was content in my lap. And I began thinking, he probably feels that way quite a bit. Even his little princess goes through mommy spells and when she is sick or upset, only mommy has the magical touch. I can't really imagine what it must be like to be him, on the outside looking in. Because he works and I stay home, I'm privy to all the little ins and outs of my children. I know better than they do, what makes them tick. What will help different situations. I'm always in the loop as to what is their favorite anything of the moment and I really take that for granted. I'm sometimes jealous of the amount of time my husband gets to spend away from the house and away from me and the kids. Not anymore. I would never want to trade my insider secrets for anything! And I need to make sure my husband feels in the loop and not like an outsider looking in. Of course, I won't share any of my magical mommy secrets with him... let him figure out his own kind of daddy magic!

Shame On Me

I hate to admit it, but I take a tiny bit of pleasure from the fact that my children can so easily frustrate their daddy. Especially, when it is the little princess that misbaves. And I get even greater pleasure when after she misbehaves, she wants her mommy or for whatever reason I'm the calming factor. I shouldn't be so hateful, and yet I am. Am I the only mommy like that? Please don't let me be the only one! I know why I enjoy it when our daughter misbehaves in front of her daddy, because for the most part he only sees her as angelic and the opposite is true for his opinion of her brother. So, when she is the drama queen that I know her to be, I'm glad he witnesses that occasionally. Of course she is angelic, both of my children are... when they're sleeping! Kidding, they are both the perfect mixture of sweet and sour, it just seems that some days they are short on the sweet, but for some reason they never seem to run low on the sour. Huh? I really hate that I take pleasure in my husband's moments of helplessness. I know it stems from my being the 24/7 care giver and getting frustrated at myself when I let the bad days get to me. But still, I shouldn't take pleasure in his pain. I shouldn't be reaffirmed that I'm doing an OK job just because I know my husband doesn't always see parenthood as sunshine and roses. I need to work on this. I also need to work on little miss princess. And the prince too. Maybe we're all crazy!