Mount Not So Saint Mommy Errupts

I'm a horrible, horrible super mean mommy. I've been sick for what seems like forever. For the first two weeks it seemed to help me be a better mommy. I was more sensative to their needs and hurts, but now, well I'm out of patience and pretty much hate the world. Today was the worst. I went to the DR yesterday and slept well, I was even able to eat, can't taste yet, but hey it was improvement. I still feel yucky and I'm tired of feeling bad. Enter one really naughty little boy, and oh how naughty he has been today. One naughty corner incident after another. I'm soooo past my breaking point. So, what to do I do. I bansih them to their play room with orders to behave or else. Well, I guess the or else was just too tempting for my son, so he pushed me again. Enter screaming, she is so scarey mommy, so scarey she even spanks the poor boy. I hate myself for that. Screaming is bad enough, but spanking... I really hate it when I resort to that. It is more of a reflection of me and my abilities than anything my children could ever do. Then my daughter requests permission to come out of the play room and sit by me. She wants to give me hugs and kisses to make me feel better. Oh, I'm sooo horrible. Then she goes outside to pick flowers. She brings in a bunch of daisies still attached to their roots and asks me to cut them for her. She goes back outside, only to come back in and ask me to come look at what she did with her flowers. I'm thinking the last thing I really want to do is go outside and I'm thinking what a sweet little girl she is. I go out and she has managed to plant her flowers. It is so cute. Of course they will die not having any roots, but hey, she managed to plant the flowers by herself. Oh, she is such a sweetie pie. Maybe some of her sweetness will rub off on me. I could really use it. And at least it's good to know my children don't hate me and even little man seems to be unfazed by my erruption. I wish I could forget as easily as my children.

Times They are a Changin'

When I last wrote, I was feeling guility over the tiny bit of pleasure I occasionally feel at my husband's expense. Well, that hasn't really changed, but there has been a unique twist. On vacation over the weekend my youngest woke up extra cranky from a nap. Poor thing, he was probably out for the night, but we made him get up and really messed him up. Anyway, he was fairly useless the rest of the evening and I was just doing my best to appease him and ingore the comments from my dad and husband. After all, I'm the mother, I know what's best for my kids! Sorry, back to the point. After dinner little man is in my lap, I'm rocking him and I'm the only thing he wants. He's not being cranky or really whiney, just content in my lap. I look up at my husband watching us and I realize, he's jealous. OK, jealous is probably not the correct word, but envious of the fact that little man was content in my lap. And I began thinking, he probably feels that way quite a bit. Even his little princess goes through mommy spells and when she is sick or upset, only mommy has the magical touch. I can't really imagine what it must be like to be him, on the outside looking in. Because he works and I stay home, I'm privy to all the little ins and outs of my children. I know better than they do, what makes them tick. What will help different situations. I'm always in the loop as to what is their favorite anything of the moment and I really take that for granted. I'm sometimes jealous of the amount of time my husband gets to spend away from the house and away from me and the kids. Not anymore. I would never want to trade my insider secrets for anything! And I need to make sure my husband feels in the loop and not like an outsider looking in. Of course, I won't share any of my magical mommy secrets with him... let him figure out his own kind of daddy magic!

Shame On Me

I hate to admit it, but I take a tiny bit of pleasure from the fact that my children can so easily frustrate their daddy. Especially, when it is the little princess that misbaves. And I get even greater pleasure when after she misbehaves, she wants her mommy or for whatever reason I'm the calming factor. I shouldn't be so hateful, and yet I am. Am I the only mommy like that? Please don't let me be the only one! I know why I enjoy it when our daughter misbehaves in front of her daddy, because for the most part he only sees her as angelic and the opposite is true for his opinion of her brother. So, when she is the drama queen that I know her to be, I'm glad he witnesses that occasionally. Of course she is angelic, both of my children are... when they're sleeping! Kidding, they are both the perfect mixture of sweet and sour, it just seems that some days they are short on the sweet, but for some reason they never seem to run low on the sour. Huh? I really hate that I take pleasure in my husband's moments of helplessness. I know it stems from my being the 24/7 care giver and getting frustrated at myself when I let the bad days get to me. But still, I shouldn't take pleasure in his pain. I shouldn't be reaffirmed that I'm doing an OK job just because I know my husband doesn't always see parenthood as sunshine and roses. I need to work on this. I also need to work on little miss princess. And the prince too. Maybe we're all crazy!

Living In The Moment

This has been a great weekend. Saturday we got the kids bikes and even though it has been sweaty work, it has been so much fun. One of the great things was seeing their faces and pride when they mastered riding the bikes. And it was great for me to have another first moment. They are getting to ages where I'm not only watching them grow up, but also feeling the loss of my little babies. They've already had their first smiles, first steps and first words and seeing them on the new bikes reminded me they will have so many more first moments. It helps to know that as they grow up, I will still have so many moments to watch "my babies" learn new things.
It also made me wonder if there will be any new firsts for me and my husband. We've had our first kiss, our first dance, our first home, etc. And quite frankly, I miss the anticipation leading up to so many of the "firsts" in a new relationship. While it's nice to be at the no make-up, you've seen me at all of my worst moments, I still miss the "newness" feeling. Why? Isn't the point to get the comfortable factor? Why does it seem that whatever phase I'm in, I wish for a different one? Aahh, life is so simple!
And I also realize that just like with my children, we will have more firsts. True most of them will involve our children, but their will be more opportunities to share in new things. I guess adapting to our current phase is the key and just wishing for the old spark is something. Maybe getting to the comfortable phase and still wanting the initital passion leading to a first kiss is what it takes to keep the spark alive. It's liking the comortable and not wanting change or excitiment that is something to worry about.
In the meantime, I'll just live in the moment, whatever that might be!