Perks & Benefits

Do you ever feel like being a mommy somehow changed your life??? Well, duh, it DOES change your life. Suddenly you have these little creatures that you love more than life itself and almost overnight you morph into a "real" mommy. When it was just myself and my husband, I cooked sometimes, but now I can cook an entire meal with barely any prepration and few groceries in the house. When did I learn to do that? I can still recall the day I realized I could breast feed my son while spoon feeding my daughter her yummy goo and even eat my own lunch. And that very same day I realized my husband needed more than two hands to warm a bottle! True story! I promise.
It seems odd that somehow, I knew my world would forever be changed, but I didn't fully realize how much I would be changed. My best friend recently told me when her husband asked what she wanted for Christmas this year her reply was "a wife". I love that! I told her maybe we could share one. I think mail order brides stille exist, maybe we could go havsies and just not marry the person!! Surely that would work.
For the most part my mommy changes have been positive. I think the one thing I'm not certain I understand, is my tendancy to put my feelings on the back burner. My husband works and therefore he "deserves" time off. Time away from work, away from me and the kids, time doing things he enjoys. But what about me? When is my time off? Am I a horrible person for wanting a break, not just from house work, but from my husband and yes even my adorable little angels? And why do I think if this was a situation in my previous jobs I would be more likely to speak to the "boss" about my feelings? As a stay at home mom, what do I deserve?

Milk & Cookies and Playing Skip-Bo

I haven't posted in a while. My grandma died a month ago this week and I haven't figured what I want to say. My granrdma was the kind of grandma everyone wanted and the perfect picture of trhe stereotypical milk and cookies grandma. I've never heard her say an unkind or off color word and the only time I recall her even raising her voice was to keep my grandpa in line, and believe me that was a job in itself.
It's hard to try and pin-point one story or memory to share about her. I'm grateful that being a stay at home mom these last 3 years allowed my children to really spend time with her. She died 2 hours before her 92 birthday, but she was sooo much younger than that. She got sick in May of this year and was in a hospital bed in her living room after that. A few weeks before she got sick, me and the kids spent time with her. I have great pics of the kids rubbing her feet with lotion, with little man sitting in her lap hand feeding her dry cereal and pics at the kitchen table coloring with the kids. My son in particular loved his great grandma and would ask to go see Linsenmeyer. That was how he addressed her. Her name was long enough without adding great grandma.
Each summer my brother and I spent a week at her farm in Oklahoma and she would play cards with us, her favorite was Skip-bo. I definitely took her for granted when I was younger and was actually always more eager to play with my cousins that lived just down the road. We only saw her a couple of times a year, but they were always special times. Grandma loved animals, and I made it my mission each summer to pet everyone of her barn cats. Many were semi-ferrell, and one summer I managed to talk my grandpa into letting me bring the cats into the utility room. I have a great picture of me piled high with cats on and around me. There are 11 grandkids, 3 girls and I was the oldest girl. From early on that made me special to her. Her nickname from early on until her passing was a german phrase "slaztcha Kätzchen." I never knew what that meant until one day in college I had the esteemed honor of eating out with friends including a really cute german football player. Of course I wanted to impress him with german phrases and then asked him what my grandma was calling me. He looked at me funny and then asked if I was sure that what she was saying. and very politely he told me my grandma was calling me Ornery Kitten!! And I have always remained her very, very ornery kitten.
Even though Grandma had been sick and we all knew it was time, her death was still hard. Her funeral was truly beautiful and the pastor that had only known grandma for a short time, did such an amazing job of capturing the essence of grandma. The pastor quoted from Proverbs 31 10-31. 10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her familyand portions for her servant girls. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.
The verses in Proverbs were so moving to me. Her family truly was her life work. She did so much and never expeced anything in return, she was a servant of God and a servant to her family. It made me think of my life. Of other women and mothers I know. To often we get caught up in the game of power and importance. I want to be my grandma, concerned with taking care of my family and listening to God's plan for me. Being happy with all the blessings I have and not wanting for excess.
We stayed in OK for a week after the funeral to help my mother and when we returned home my daughter said the most beautiful prayer. After praing for the usual, including our deceased cat she asked God to take care of Great Grandma. "Please help her in Heaven. Help her learn to walk and do things in Heaven." I'm sure there was more to it, but the walking is what stuck with me. And it makes me smile to think of my grandmother reborn as a young angel in Heaven learning an entire new life.
Grandmother was such a beautiful person, gone and never forgotten. Only remembered with smiles, laughter and of course tears.

Mount Not So Saint Mommy Errupts

I'm a horrible, horrible super mean mommy. I've been sick for what seems like forever. For the first two weeks it seemed to help me be a better mommy. I was more sensative to their needs and hurts, but now, well I'm out of patience and pretty much hate the world. Today was the worst. I went to the DR yesterday and slept well, I was even able to eat, can't taste yet, but hey it was improvement. I still feel yucky and I'm tired of feeling bad. Enter one really naughty little boy, and oh how naughty he has been today. One naughty corner incident after another. I'm soooo past my breaking point. So, what to do I do. I bansih them to their play room with orders to behave or else. Well, I guess the or else was just too tempting for my son, so he pushed me again. Enter screaming, she is so scarey mommy, so scarey she even spanks the poor boy. I hate myself for that. Screaming is bad enough, but spanking... I really hate it when I resort to that. It is more of a reflection of me and my abilities than anything my children could ever do. Then my daughter requests permission to come out of the play room and sit by me. She wants to give me hugs and kisses to make me feel better. Oh, I'm sooo horrible. Then she goes outside to pick flowers. She brings in a bunch of daisies still attached to their roots and asks me to cut them for her. She goes back outside, only to come back in and ask me to come look at what she did with her flowers. I'm thinking the last thing I really want to do is go outside and I'm thinking what a sweet little girl she is. I go out and she has managed to plant her flowers. It is so cute. Of course they will die not having any roots, but hey, she managed to plant the flowers by herself. Oh, she is such a sweetie pie. Maybe some of her sweetness will rub off on me. I could really use it. And at least it's good to know my children don't hate me and even little man seems to be unfazed by my erruption. I wish I could forget as easily as my children.

Times They are a Changin'

When I last wrote, I was feeling guility over the tiny bit of pleasure I occasionally feel at my husband's expense. Well, that hasn't really changed, but there has been a unique twist. On vacation over the weekend my youngest woke up extra cranky from a nap. Poor thing, he was probably out for the night, but we made him get up and really messed him up. Anyway, he was fairly useless the rest of the evening and I was just doing my best to appease him and ingore the comments from my dad and husband. After all, I'm the mother, I know what's best for my kids! Sorry, back to the point. After dinner little man is in my lap, I'm rocking him and I'm the only thing he wants. He's not being cranky or really whiney, just content in my lap. I look up at my husband watching us and I realize, he's jealous. OK, jealous is probably not the correct word, but envious of the fact that little man was content in my lap. And I began thinking, he probably feels that way quite a bit. Even his little princess goes through mommy spells and when she is sick or upset, only mommy has the magical touch. I can't really imagine what it must be like to be him, on the outside looking in. Because he works and I stay home, I'm privy to all the little ins and outs of my children. I know better than they do, what makes them tick. What will help different situations. I'm always in the loop as to what is their favorite anything of the moment and I really take that for granted. I'm sometimes jealous of the amount of time my husband gets to spend away from the house and away from me and the kids. Not anymore. I would never want to trade my insider secrets for anything! And I need to make sure my husband feels in the loop and not like an outsider looking in. Of course, I won't share any of my magical mommy secrets with him... let him figure out his own kind of daddy magic!

Shame On Me

I hate to admit it, but I take a tiny bit of pleasure from the fact that my children can so easily frustrate their daddy. Especially, when it is the little princess that misbaves. And I get even greater pleasure when after she misbehaves, she wants her mommy or for whatever reason I'm the calming factor. I shouldn't be so hateful, and yet I am. Am I the only mommy like that? Please don't let me be the only one! I know why I enjoy it when our daughter misbehaves in front of her daddy, because for the most part he only sees her as angelic and the opposite is true for his opinion of her brother. So, when she is the drama queen that I know her to be, I'm glad he witnesses that occasionally. Of course she is angelic, both of my children are... when they're sleeping! Kidding, they are both the perfect mixture of sweet and sour, it just seems that some days they are short on the sweet, but for some reason they never seem to run low on the sour. Huh? I really hate that I take pleasure in my husband's moments of helplessness. I know it stems from my being the 24/7 care giver and getting frustrated at myself when I let the bad days get to me. But still, I shouldn't take pleasure in his pain. I shouldn't be reaffirmed that I'm doing an OK job just because I know my husband doesn't always see parenthood as sunshine and roses. I need to work on this. I also need to work on little miss princess. And the prince too. Maybe we're all crazy!

Living In The Moment

This has been a great weekend. Saturday we got the kids bikes and even though it has been sweaty work, it has been so much fun. One of the great things was seeing their faces and pride when they mastered riding the bikes. And it was great for me to have another first moment. They are getting to ages where I'm not only watching them grow up, but also feeling the loss of my little babies. They've already had their first smiles, first steps and first words and seeing them on the new bikes reminded me they will have so many more first moments. It helps to know that as they grow up, I will still have so many moments to watch "my babies" learn new things.
It also made me wonder if there will be any new firsts for me and my husband. We've had our first kiss, our first dance, our first home, etc. And quite frankly, I miss the anticipation leading up to so many of the "firsts" in a new relationship. While it's nice to be at the no make-up, you've seen me at all of my worst moments, I still miss the "newness" feeling. Why? Isn't the point to get the comfortable factor? Why does it seem that whatever phase I'm in, I wish for a different one? Aahh, life is so simple!
And I also realize that just like with my children, we will have more firsts. True most of them will involve our children, but their will be more opportunities to share in new things. I guess adapting to our current phase is the key and just wishing for the old spark is something. Maybe getting to the comfortable phase and still wanting the initital passion leading to a first kiss is what it takes to keep the spark alive. It's liking the comortable and not wanting change or excitiment that is something to worry about.
In the meantime, I'll just live in the moment, whatever that might be!

Letting Go of Illusions

Last week I got to be part of something amazing! Extreme Makeover Home Edition came to a small town near where I grew up and changed the lives of one family forever. Well actually they changed the lives of many! My mother is friends with several of the women that spear-headed the campaign to get the family a new home and she was so excited for them and couldn't wait to meet the cast. She loves the show! She worked every day from sun up to waaaay past sun down. She called me one day and invited me to tag along with her. And I did feel like a tag-a-long. I didn't know the family personally, I'm not a fan of the show and I felt more like someone hoping to sneak a peak at Ty. I suspect their were a few who showed for that reason!
I quickly learned it didn't matter if I knew the family or not. I now know their personal story and it makes me cry to repeat it to anyone. Strange to have such strong emotions for people I don't know. Immediately after arriving and finding my mom she begins introducing me to everyone! I was so embarrassed and it continued the entire time I worked.
It was so amazing to see so many people volunteering their time. Some friends of the family took a week's vacation so they could work every day. And work they did! Weather was not our friend. It rained for the last few days and by rain, I mean all day and all night. Maybe we shoud have been building an ark instead of a house! Rain or shine the people worked. They worked hard. And for nothing in return. At least nothing tangible! They worked because they cared. They worked because this family needed a new home. They worked because this special little boy inspires them. And I worked. Because it was important to my mom and because it was truly something amazing to be a part of.
I've only seen the ending to maybe two shows, but I still had specific impressions of what would happen. Boy was I wrong! And I left at the end of the week feeling a bit disillussioned. And even a little angry. I have no idea why, but I know anger was part of my emotional roller coaster that week! I think maybe because I knew I was not alone in my impressions and it felt somewhat like fraud or at least false advertising.
That got me thinking about other times in my life I've succumbed to illusion and the ugly feeling of disillusionment. I remember learning my parents were just people, nothing more and nothing less and that just like everyone else they made mistakes and weren't perfect. And sometimes unmasking the illusions were hard and difficult to accept. And then I couln't help thinking about when my own children will learn that I'm not really "super mommy"- that I don't have super powers. I can't alleviate pain with just a kiss, I'm not all-knowing and larger than life. They'll grow up to realize I'm just a regular person without magical powers and in actuality a regular person who is full of IT. I hate that! I don't want them to learn that. I even had to acknowledge that my own husband isn't really a character in a romantic comedy. (of course I'm perfect and full of sunshine)
Last week I learned something about illusions. I created the illusions! They were my impressions and only I can be responsible for choosing to accept reality. I learned that people really do care. I learned that communities DO come together and that community extends much farther than city limit signs. I learned that my mother has a big heart and she wants to share it with me. I learned the importance of supporting special causes and endeavors for members of my family. I learned that reality is sooo much better than a Hollywood illusion! Of course I also realized I need to stop and see people for who they really are and love and accept them when they don't quite match up to MY expectations. Can I really do that? I'm going to try. And next time my mother embarrasses me, maybe I won't be embarrassed. Instead I'll just smile.

Why is it so hard to acknowledge we aren't perfect? And why do I think men don't have the same problem. I was talking to a good friend last night and we've both been going through some difficult times. We're in completely different seasons of our lives, but both needing to cry and vent. She's embarrassed and frustrated and so am I!
At mommy groups (at least at mine) it seems the talk is usually about how great the kids are and how wonderful marraiges are and even how supportive and wonderful the husbands are. Really? Everything is super great? I have my doubts, but it seems to be much easier to focus on the positive and even exaggerate just how wonderful things are. Why? Wouldn't it be more productive to share about our "real" lives? Who better to learn and grow with than other women?!
It seems easy to discuss how the images of women in media adversely effect the self images and self esteem of our young girls, but what about the distorted view of our "perfect" selves we convey to other women? What kind of negative effect does this have on women everywhere?
I'm so grateful to have at least two strong and wonderful women in my life I can be myself with. Thanks for listening and letting me know it's okay not to be perfect!

Girls Are Razzle Dazzles & Boys Are Stinky

Today was a good day, or at least it finished with a super sweet bang. My husband and I usually play a man to man defense at bedtime, with him putting our daughter to bed. He is away with work tonight, so I had the pleasure of putting both daughter and son to bed. And it is actually a pleasure, they are both asleep and it is only 8:20 pm.
Lately I've been feeling my children growing up, or pulling away from me. Some days I feel they would rather mommy return to work so they don't have to spend every single second with me. I should feel proud that I've done a good job and glad they feel secure and glad they are want to go to school. But of course all I feel is obsolete. And of course my husband doesn't understand and thinks I'm more than crazy when I react sensitively or overract with a little teary drama. And he's right, but that doesn't matter. My babies are growing up and I'm not always sure where that leaves me.
Well, tonight at bedtime my sweet daughter did wonders for my ego. We have special rituals when I put her to bed, us girls have to stick together. She'll tell you we're "razzle dazzles" and boys are stinky! So we always say two wishes a piece to her special wishing rock and then put it under her pillow for sweet dreams. She wished first tonight, "I wish mommy would never go back to work and stay with me all the time!" Oh my gosh! Really? I kissed her and thanked her so much.
Maybe I'm doing okay after all, it doesn't get much better than that!

Cartoon Mommy 1, Cookie Dough 0

I must confess to having a weakness for cookie dough, really it's more than a weakness, cookie dough is my nemisis. I try to avoid that section in the super market and even then I can hear the tubs of already made cookie dough calling to me. "Your kids love cookies, come on you will only bake us." Yeah, right, they LIE!
The past few weeks I've actually made my own cookie dough from scratch and I've been keeping it in the fridge and just a bake a few at a time. The kids love them and so does the hubbie. Last night was the ultimate test... I didn't eat of the cookie dough while baking. Sweet victory is mine! I only licked what little dough was on my fingers after situating the cookies on the baking tray, and that doesn't count. Even when my precious daughter dug into the dough, I obstained.
That may seem silly to most, but for me it was beautiful. I can now add extreme resistance to cookie dough to my list of super powers. The others worth noting are ability to block out loud, obnoxious sounds such as crying for no reason and for long periods of time, insessant whining, sibling squabbles and high pitched squealing (some call it singing), the ability to see through dirt and make messy rooms clean using only my mind, and the all impressing ability to make food disappear!
Maybe instead of cartoon mommy, I am actually Super Mommy!

A Quick Hello

Some might mistake this blog for angst or that I wish to be something other than my current self. Nothing could be further from the truth. Okay, Okay I admit to wanting to be a few sizes smaller, cloned with enough meees for each daily chore, but other than that I love being a stay at home mom.
For me this is a space for something other than warm fuzzies. A place to share frustrations and learn about the messiness that it is to be a stay at home mom. I love reading the inspirational blogs and to keep up with my friends, but I also need to share the other half. That's why created cartoon mommy, a place for the outtakes and retakes and the meltdowns. Join me for a journey of discovery and sometimes crazy antics of my life.